I woke up from a call. I cried while I was on the phone with him. He wouldn't understand. My whole life, I was called a burden, a cursed child. I brought unhappiness and despair to the families I stay with. And eventually, they would throw me out. I've been abandoned so many times. I hate the feeling of being a burden. But I always am.
"You can't give if you have nothing. You can't love if you've never felt love."
I walked around the park to cool my head off. But I couldn't stop the tears. I know, I'm no longer a child. I'm not supposed to cry. I need a smoke. Or I need to cut myself. Anything, I need reassurance that this is reality. Someone once told me I'm a masochist. I am, I like the feeling of pain. At least this way I know I'm not dreaming. But I do wish to never wake up again when I sleep.
Every time I wake up, I can't help but say "why am I still alive?"